(inspired by stupid websites and basic knowledge of some astro-queers ;) )
For everyone:
Love: <3 <3 <3
Friendship: <3 <3 <3
Chance: <3 because ACAB
$: FUCK CAPITALISM
Aries (March 20 – April 19)
If you've been criticized for your resentment at other times, this time, your skepticism will be necessary to avoid being coaxed by bogus promises of green energy. Remember, capitalism, regardless of its guise, is still capitalism! Your bold, headstrong and part-time punk nature will serve you well. “We advance, we advance, we don't move back!”
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You are the only person who manages to keep indoor plants alive in a ½ basement for $2000/month! Your years of tree planting experience will not have been in vain, we will need your skills for the climate revolution. Fuck the hierarchy of productive and reproductive tasks, you are essential!
Gemini (May 21-June 20):
Your eccentric yet endearing personality, your "I know it all" demeanor that can be irritating at times but is incredibly useful, and your charming smile will help unite revolutionaries and reformists in our cause. Here's a suggestion: don't waste your time with Greenpeace – we know where their headquarters is ;)
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
Eco-anxious millennials and the generations that follow appreciate your emotional support and your role as a "free hugs booth operator." You excel at shouldering everyone's problems. Just be cautious not to burn yourself out with this heavy load. If your glass is overflowing, don't hesitate to pour some out, and if your bag is too heavy, don't be afraid to toss away those stones that weigh it down :p
Leo (July 22-August 22)
Your stand-up act to grab attention (the one you rehearse a bit too frequently, hehe) could serve as a distraction while we set police tanks ablaze in the name of the forests. Climate Rage Week is your moment to shine; for once, no one will fault you for shouting too vigorously. Please, reserve your monologues about the revolution ONLY for the demonstrations ;)
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
"Tupperware for other people's mess," we're fortunate because our HQ doesn't resemble a teenager's bedroom, torn between anarchism and communism. As the "one-person welcome committee," your presence ensures the inclusivity of the group! But, most importantly, it's a blessing that you can be occasionally judgmental (with good intentions), as organizing with you would otherwise be quite intimidating <3
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Usually, as soon as it's voting time at the GA, you're THE person who wants to amend the proposal/when half the people at the GA are due for a cigarette, YOU raise your hand... BUT, your choice is clear: no compromise, no reform! Continue to make anarchist propaganda on the MTL poles (they say it's fun to stick stickers on the run xD **inside joke sorry).
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Your gaze pierces and delves into the soul of others. You know the meaning of ACAB ;). You sport the look of a protagonist in a leather coat (faux leather from thrift stores #vegan), and you manage to exude swag even in black bloc. Your skills in deception and stealth will come in handy for avoiding trouble. Plus, thanks for taking the trip to the grocery store for the Climate Rage BBQ; let's just say you were quite thrifty ;).
Sagittarius (November 22-December 20)
Your Signal nickname is useless because EVERYONE in the community knows you. Besides, can you sleep with your friends' classified ads constantly popping up? Your interpersonal skills make you an excellent correspondent with other activist groups, make you the MVP of the party and we could see you being the karaoke emcee at the after party. Glad you love Richard Desjardins too!
Capricorn (December 21-January 19)
You have been an adult since the age of 6. You weren't playing with dolls because you were already managing the overpopulation of playmobiles. Fortunately, monopoly $ was enough for you and your motivation for duty lives on through your activist commitments. Thank you for organizing our chaos brilliantly and tactfully... well sometimes tactfully :p. Thanks to you, our demonstration route is clear: Direction --> Revolution!
Aquarius (January 20-February 17)
Your creativity and your sense of analysis will perhaps allow us to find a way to make demonstrations fun for > 20 minutes! You have the reputation of being a couch philosopher (especially those of student associations) and of wanting to defend all marginalized people. Note well, you are no longer “an ugly duckling” in a suburban family, you can trust your allies :)
Pisces (February 18-March 19)
Best fortune teller ever (careful of cultural appropriation if you use tarot :p). We believe you when you reassure us! We're grateful that you're taking on a therapist role that doesn't charge 2 months' salary/hour when we need it. Little reminder: it's climate RAGE week... You too can be angry when the CEO of a company sprinkles pesticides on his lawn in the middle of a drought.